Ask Santa Daddy (4CE reprint Dec. 2011)

Ask Cool Santa Daddy


Last year in December's column, we uncovered the truth behind several Christmas "myths"…how the "plums" in plum pudding are actually raisins…that the "calling birds" in the "12 Days of Christmas" are really "collie birds" or blackbirds…why those 12 Days do NOT include Christmas Day itself…that poinsettias are not poisonous…who those "mystery kids" are in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"…and how the reindeer Donder was renamed Donner. If you're interested, the entire article is archived, along with other older columns, at travelingcyst.blogspot.com. Those are some of the major Yuletide misconceptions, but there are other points of confusion, and this month, Cool Daddy will address some of those…

Dear Cool Santa Daddy: I know the hemlock is an evergreen…occasionally used as a Christmas tree…I've even seen "pre-lit" artificial hemlocks…but even if poinsettias aren't poisonous, surely hemlock trees must be! 

You're right in saying that the hemlock is sometimes used at Christmas time. The most popular Christmas trees are the firs, including the sweet-smelling balsam. Pines are second, again for their wonderful fragrance, and both pines and firs hold their needles for a long time…a major consideration now that the season lasts 6 weeks instead of the 2 or 3 it did when we were kids. That is the reason spruces and hemlocks are not as popular as they once were…poor needle retention. Another popular all-around choice is the Douglas Fir, which is not a true fir…at times it has been classified as a pine, fir, spruce, and its Latin name pseudotsuga means "false hemlock."

But as to the question of the hemlock's toxicity, it is as safe as any of the other evergreens. There are several highly poisonous hemlock herbs…"poison hemlock" which is closely related to parsley, and what killed Socrates…and "water hemlock," a member of the carrot family. The hemlock tree is so-named only because its smell is similar to crushed poison hemlock leaves


Dear Cool Santa Daddy: My dumb cousin tried to tell me that Santa actually lives at the South Pole, not the North Pole, and this had something to do with the Earth's magnetic field, but I couldn't understand what he was talking about, and then my other cousin threatened to beat him up, so he just stopped talking about it. Do you know anything about this? 

Well, wherever Santa lives, he doesn't want you guys fighting, so I hope things have calmed down. But yes, I do know a little about what your cousin was driving at. Keep in mind that "true" north and "magnetic" north are not in the same place…the "top" end of the our planet's magnetic field is located in the northern islands of Canada, about 400 miles from the actual North Pole, which is right on the top of the globe, obviously.

And Santa really does live at the North Pole, up by Canada, Greenland, and Russia, and not at the South Pole, which is in Antarctica, so rest assured on that point. The confusion is simply a matter of definition. When a bar magnet is used as a compass, it is aligns itself with the Earth's magnetic field. The problem is, the end that points north is defined as the north pole or end of the magnet. And since opposites attract, what the north end of a magnet is attracted to would be the south end of another magnet or magnetic field. Thus, what's located geographically in the north is by definition the south pole of the Earth's magnetic field, even if it's called the North Magnetic Pole. If you don't get it, that's fine…Santa still loves you…and your cousins too, trust me. But no fighting, OK?

Dear Cool Santa Daddy: Is it true that mistletoe is a parasitic plant, and it's lucky for the trees involved if we harvest it to use for decoration and smooching?

Yes and no. It's certainly true that the mistletoe plant is a parasite, but it's a pretty poor parasite that kills it's host, and for the most part that's not how Mother Nature works. Mistletoe is relatively harmless to a tree in good overall health, altho it will hasten the demise of an otherwise diseased tree. But just remember: What happens under the mistletoe stays under the mistletoe!


Dear Cool Santa Daddy: Is it true that in Canada they once had to destroy millions of postage stamps because they misspelled "Christmas"? 

Embarrassing but true, although the misspelled word was "Noël." It happened in November of 1992, when it was noticed that some 60 million stamps had been printed with the "double dots"…a diacritical or accent mark known as a "diaeresis"…over the O instead of the E. In English, this symbol is used to indicate that the second of 2 vowels is to be pronounced separately from the first. Although you seldom see it today, it was once correctly used with such words as coöperation, zoölogy, naïve, the names Chloë and Zoë, and the star constellation Boötes. It was also occasionally used to indicate a vowel was not silent, as with the final E of the sisters Brontë. But it always appears over the second vowel, not the first. Apparently somebody at Canada Post thought it looked more festive over the O…oops!


Dear Cool Santa Daddy: Ever since we were kids, my sister has said that reindeer are a kind of elk. I think she's full of beans, but she just won't give in…what say you?

It's clear that your sister has confused elk with caribou…aha!…and after a lifetime of doing so, is reluctant to admit her mistake.When we were kids, we called elk "wapiti" which is one Indian name for them. But here's the dear truth about the deer in question: Reindeer are a domesticated form of caribou…both are found in Scandinavia, Siberia, Alaska, and Canada. In prehistoric times, the caribou was found as far south as Nevada and Tennessee, and Spain in Europe. Reindeer are somewhat smaller than wild caribou, and are used for their meat, milk, hide, antlers, and as a draft animal. That's right: reindeer steaks, burgers, and meatballs, instead of cow. Sorry, Rudolph. Reindeer and caribou are unique among deer in that both sexes have antlers.

Elk are the second largest deer next to the moose….or the largest if you consider moose too different to be called a deer. The elk was long considered a subspecies of the smaller European red deer, but recent DNA analysis has established it as a separate species. Elk are found only in North America, and typically will weight twice as much as a reindeer or caribou, up to half a ton.


And I realize it has nothing to do with Christmas, but the odd thing is that there is a breed of dog called the Norwegian Elkhound…or "Norsk Elghund"…but no elk there. That's because the word "elk" is derived from the German "elch," Spanish "alce," and French "elan." All these words describe the European moose, which is smaller than the American variety. Encountering the elk in the New World, explorers called it "elk," or in their minds "moose." When they discovered the actual North American moose, they gave it an Indian name, "moose." But neither the moose nor the elk is a caribou, although the reindeer is.


On a personal note, Stolf is back on the radio, on 1340 WMSA in Massena, weekdays for the drive home from work, 3-7pm. Check the WMSA website for internet listening. Despite the sudden reduction in free time, the daily blogs continue unfettered and unsullied at stolf.wordpress.com and deepfriedhoodsiecups.wordpress.com. Until next time, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Rock On! 

Blazing Saddles (4CE reprint Nov. 2011)

10 things you didn't know about Blazing Saddles

Mel Brooks' first 2 movies, "The Producers" and "The Twelve Chairs" were hits with the critics, but at the box office, not so much. Their offbeat combination of cerebral comedy and old-fashioned slapstick didn't catch the public's fancy. So for outing #3, Mel chose to go with a gut-punch…"bathroom" humor and salty language, what used to be called "sophomoric," and laid on super thick. No holds barred, nothing and no one spared…to put it mildly: "unsubtle." The result was the greatest Western spoof of all time, and if cynics saw this as throwing in the towel, movie-goers responded: Please, more towels!

Here are 10 things perhaps you didn't know about "Blazing Saddles."

1)  Sheriff Who?…The original concept came from novelist and fledgling screenwriter Andrew Bergman. (He would go on to write and/or direct such hits as "Fletch," "Soapdish," "The Freshman, "Striptease" and many more.) His offbeat idea was to plunk a modern-day Black Militant down in the middle of the old Wild West…his draft was titled "Tex X," referencing of course Malcolm X. Mel thought "Black Bart" sounded better, but the ultimate title came to him, says he, while in the shower. And not for nothing, but did you ever notice the initials of "Blazing Saddles"? 

2)  No Star for You…After his first 2 movies were practically one-man efforts, Mel longed for the collaborative days he spent writing for "Your Show of Shows" in the 1950s…among his cohorts had been Neil Simon & Carl Reiner. Thus he recruited a group of writers, including Bergman, and a young comic he admired, Richard Pryor, who then seemed the obvious choice to play Black Bart…Mel had at first considered James Earl Jones. But he soon discovered that with Pryor's reputation for drug use, and the nature of his standup material, no one in Hollywood would bankroll the project. Thus Pryor remained a writer, and the lead went to Cleavon Little. But one story Mel remembered from the good old days lead to…

3)  Punching a Gift Horse in the Head…Sid Caesar, besides being screamingly funny, was also apparently a very violent person. As he recounts in his 1982 autobiography, he was once trail-riding when his wife Imogene Coca's horse began giving her trouble. After she dismounted, he faced the recalcitrant steed…and proceeded to coldcock it between the eyes, knocking it senseless. Oh, really? Well, that's what he says, and Mel had heard the story when it supposedly happened, inspiring the famous scene where Mongo (Alex Karras) does the same.

4) Woof!…Ever wonder what the Indians are saying in Yiddish? Chief Mel and 2 braves trot over to the wagon on their pinto ponies…Mel gives them the once-over, and yes, that is Rodney Allen Rippy, of "Take Life a Little Easier (Jack in the Box Theme)" fame: "Schwartze! (Blacks!)" The braves threaten them with tomahawk and spear, but Mel says: "Na, na, seit nicht meshugge. (No, no, don’t be crazy.)" Then comes Mel’s famous shout, which I always thought was a call to prayer or something, but it’s not that. "Los’ im gehen!! (Let them go!) Cop a walk, it’s alright!" They say thank you and start to move off. "A wie Gesund! (Take care…literally…Stay healthy.) Take off. Hast du gesehen in deine Leben? (Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?) They darker then us! Woof!"

Now "lassen ihn gehen" as I said means literally “let them go.” Pronounced “loz im gain” or sometimes by Gentiles “lossum game,” it’s carny slang, and means: "Quit fleecing the rube, cut the game short, that’s the Sheriff’s son, what are you nuts?" In general, people wouldn’t know what it meant...but there’s a story told about it being said, and the mark, who was Jewish, commenting: “So why didn’t you lossum game me $50 bucks ago?”

5)  A Real Gassss…Mel's Governor Le Petomane is named after Joseph Pujols who performed under that name at Paris's Moulin Rouge in the late 1800s. His act was, honest to goodness, flatulence…punctuating stories with various "sound effects," doing melodies, even blowing out candles. And he was a huge hit. Suffice to say, Chapter 3 of his short biography published in 1985 is titled: "Muscular Control Astonishes the French Doctors."  Mel also has a cameo in the outlaw recruitment line wearing an aviator's costume. And he does a couple of voices…I won't tell you which, but if it sounds like him, it probably is. In the church scenes, watch for Gene Wilder's future wife Gilda Radner, and Mel's wife Anne Bancroft. 

6) Oh You Wacky Kid..The Waco Kid was originally seen as an older character…Dan Dailey was first on board, but was to ill to proceed. Johnny Carson (!!) was asked and refused. Scenes were actually filmed with Gig Young, but he really was drunk and later that day collapsed on the set. The "OK, you win" call went out to Gene Wilder, who had originally wanted the part, but Mel saw him more in the Hedley Lamarr role, to which Gene had said "No thanks." Funny how things turn out sometimes. 

7) Honey, I Shrunk Rock Ridge…As was bound to happen, a TV pilot was filmed…but if there was ever a movie that couldn't translate to the small screen, "Blazing Saddles" has to be it. Still, they tried. It was pretty much all Andrew Bergman, with virtually no input from Mel. It was called "Black Bart," with Lou Gossett Jr. and Steve Landesberg in the lead roles. CBS aired it quietly in 1975, over and out. It also featured obnoxious child actor Poindexter Yothers,  brother of Tina "Family Ties" Yothers. For good measure it's included as a bonus on the DVD.

8)  Steady, Pilgrim…John Wayne was approached to make a cameo appearance. After reading the script, he had to decline, as he couldn't appear in a movie that, um, rambunctious, saying: "But I'll be the first in line to see it!"

9) A Torch Song to Light the Way…Mel wrote the title theme and advertised in the trade papers for a "Frankie Laine type" to sing it…instead, the real deal showed up. The story is that Frankie didn't know the movie was a comedy, and Mel didn't want to tell him. Now I suppose that's plausible…the lyrics are written pretty much straight…the only hint that something might be amiss: "He made his blazing saddle a torch to light the way!" OK, in hindsight, the dude's rig is on fire, but it could have simply meant that it was festooned with glittering gold folderol that reflected the blazing noonday sun, right? Still, you think Frankie Laine didn't know what he was getting into with Mel Brooks, for gosh sakes?

10) And Don't Call Me "Shirley"…But let's face it, Mel Brooks is full of stories. He claims that actress Hedy Lamarr threatened to sue over his naming Harvey Korman's character "Hedley Lamarr," and they settled out of court. What I say is: Why try to track this one down and spoil the fun? Trouble is, it fits a little too neatly with the scene where Hedley bristles when Le Petomane gets his name wrong, but the Governor says: "What are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue her!" Anyway, Mel says he was flattered that she noticed. 

    

More groovy stuff from Stolf daily at stolf.wordpress.com and deepfriedhoodsiecups.wordpress.com…and till next month, rock on, doo-dah! doo-dah!

You Might Be...Part 4 (4CE reprint Oct 2011)

You Might Really Be a Baby Boomer If…

Three past columns that received a lot of nice comments were "You Might Be a Baby Boomer If…," "Son of…," and "You Might Be Old School If…" If you'd like to revisit them (can you be nostalgic for nostalgia?), I've posted them on my 4CE reprint blog, travelingcyst.blogspot.com. Here's another batch, fresh from the EZ-Bake memory oven…I replaced the light bulb.

You Might Really Be a Baby Boomer If…

…there's a tune stuck in your head (a cerebro-musical inversion) and it's just as well, since it's one the oldies stations won't play anymore.

…you always called that cigarette "Paul Maul"…not  "Pell Mell"…and to this day it's never bothered you.

….to you,"Go suck an egg!" and "Your mother wears army boots!" are still perfectly serviceable insults.

…you always planned that if you ever got invited to dinner at the White House, you'd be sure to steal an ashtray…d'oh!

…your grandmother had a clock with roman numerals and you figured that was because she really didn't care to figure out what time it was…

…it wasn't called recycling, it was a paper drive.

…the safety officer from the local police department taught you to ride your bikes "Single file, Indian style."

…you see a ballplayer on TV and think: "Oh, is he still playing?"…and it turns out to be his son. That happened to me with Steve and Nick Swisher, among others.

…but all things considered, you'd take Bobby Bonds over Barry any day of the week.

…you wonder whatever happened to S&H Green Stamps. Actually, they're now virtual, on the net as Greenpoints. But waddya do, lick the screen? Then paste it where?

…you also wonder whatever happened to tramps, hobos, and bums…now you only see them on Hallowe'en night, right?

…when you go cross-county skiing, you prefer a country that's really narrow...

…you remember when "special teams" were called the "suicide squad." When did it change? Well, a cover story in LIFE magazine dated December 3, 1971 used both terms, although it did say "Suicide Squad" on the cover. 

…and the pass rush wasn't a "blitz" but a "red dog"…woof woof.

…you miss having to wonder who's calling on the phone.

…you don't mind "fingers" when someone is passing or serving food. Those plastic gloves were invented for just one thing…and it's at the other end, darn it!

….you remember Thor before he had a beard. A what? Yeah, buy a comic book and see for yourself…if you've got a spare $3.99 lying around…or is it up to $4.99 now?

…but to you, they were always funny books, not comic cooks. See, you started with Woody Woodpecker and Sugar and Spike…then graduated to Batman and the Green Lantern, but they were still funny books, because that's what they were. 

….you and your spouse only "do it" on your birthday anymore…and you wish you still celebrated them!

…you understood that when you were dating a guy in uniform, that was it…that's as good as it got, there was nowhere else to go. Although my sister dated one, but it didn't work out…she was supposed to call him "sir." Gosh, and I remember this girl, I had such a crush on her…she was 2 years ahead of me in school. Now that I think about it, she was 2 years ahead of me in everything. Turns out, Boy Scouts didn't count as a uniform.

…you certainly can believe its not butter...you just can't believe how much it costs!

…you miss reading a story every other day in the newspaper about somebody seeing a flying saucer.

….you always liked it when your grandfather would say: "I bet your grandmother she wouldn't marry me…she called my bet and raised me five!"

…you remember when the Parade Magazine that came with the Sunday paper was big enough to wrap a baby in...not that you would, I'm just sayin'.

…but winning $5 in a newspaper coloring contest made you feel like Scrooge McDuck, only more artistic.

…you thought you'd never get over seeing Joltin' Joe DiMaggio in a green-and-gold Oakland A's uniform…he was a coach in 1968 and 1969. But you did.

…you never could see what was wrong with prayer in schools…after all, that's how you got through!

…you miss the days when TV and radio reporters, of either gender, didn't sound like Valley Girls.

…when the 1964 1/2 Mustang came out, you asked your math teacher if they could actually do that? I mean, could it really be half a year?

…and you can't believe that today supermarkets will sell you half a pie. You see that and think: Who wants a pie that somebody ate the other half of?

….you're a girl…and you knew what "It's snowing down south" meant.

…or you're a boy…and what it meant when someone said: "Do you have a license to sell hotdogs?"

…you remember when the ballplayers who wore batting gloves were weird, not the other way around...and an outfielder was called a "ballhawk."

….your favorite toy made sparks!

…you think of your parents as The Generation That Used Mothballs On Everything.

…you remember when there was no such thing as pre-screening…you either fixed the back door or you didn't...

…you never ordered the salad instead of the potato, and never regretted it.

…you remember graduating from green plastic army-men to Battlewagon, Tiger Joe, and Johnny Seven -- One Man Army.

…you know the difference between Capt. Windy Scuttlebutt, Capt. Horatio Huffenpuff and H. R. Pufnstuf.

…but you liked to root for the bad guys…Oil Can Harry, Snidely Whiplash, Crabby Appleton & Isotope Feeney, Poison Zoomack, Simon Bar Sinister & Riff Raff, Badlands Meenie & J. Skulking Bushwhack, Dishonest John, Mr. Bluster…and Savoir Faire is Everywhere!

…and speaking of which, you always wondered where Cecil's legs went to…

But seriously, you qualify as a bona fide blue-ribbon Grade "A" Baby Boomer if…you used to think so, but now you know so. More of this kind of stuff daily at Deepfriedhoodsiecups.wordpress.com and Stolf.wordpress.com. Plus old radio & TV commercials at Stolfpod.podbean.com. Till next month, don't give up the baby, Faith…and rock on!

Not Everything is Relative But These Are... (4CE reprint sept 2011)

  

Not Everything is Relative, But These Are...

You might be surprised who's related to whom. For example…

The Lone Ranger and the Green Hornet...No way? Way! Both were radio shows originating on WXYZ in Detroit. As you may recall, John Reid was the only Texas Ranger left alive after a party of 6, lead by his brother Captain Dan Reid, were ambushed by Butch Cavendish's Hole in the Wall Gang at Bryant's Gap. Dan's son, also named Dan, eventually became the Lone Ranger's junior sidekick. Remember his horse Victor? Britt Reid, the Green Hornet, was later established as the younger Dan's son, thus the grand nephew of the Masked Man. When the Lone Ranger property was sold to another company in the 1950s, this familial connection was pretty much forgotten.

Fred Flintstone and his son Fred, Junior…Never heard of him? He was included in some of the early publicity material before the show hit the air in 1960, and is featured in the first of the Flintstones' many Little Golden Books…a smirking little cave-boy with hair over his eyes and a big letter F on his bearskin. Needless to say, this went no further, Fred Jr. never appearing on TV or anywhere else. Maybe a velociraptor got him?!

Dionne Warwick and Whitney Houston…When you hear they're related, you might assume they're aunt and niece due to the 23-year age difference, but they're actually first cousins. Whitney's mother Emily "Cissy" Drinkard and and Dionne's mother Lee Drinkard were sisters. They performed professionally as the Drinkard Singers, along with siblings Larry, Nicky, Anne, and Marie. Dionne was born Marie Dionne, named after her aunt, who herself was nicknamed "Rebbie" by the family.

And Dionne's family name was Warrick, but after it was misspelled Warwick on her first single, she decided to keep it that way. In 1971 she added an "e" to the end, as Warwicke, on the advice of her numerologist, and also to honor her then husband, actor and drummer Bill E-for-Elliot. When they divorced in 1975, she not surprising switched back. By the way, singer Thelma Houston is not related to any of them.

Candice Bergen and Polly Bergen…NOT!!! This is a common mistake. They are not related…Polly's real last name is spelled Burgin. Funny, when Edgar's daughter Candice was born in 1946, she was often called Charlie McCarthy's little sister. Another no-go is actor Adam Baldwin, who is no relation to the acting Baldwin brothers Alec, Daniel, Billy and Stephen.

Beetle Bailey and Lois Flagston…That's Lois from the comic strip "Hi and Lois." When the Korean War ended in 1953, Mort Walker feared people would tire of military gags, so he drew a sequence where Beetle visited his married older sister, her husband, and 3 kids…none of whom, I should point out, looked anything like they do today. Readers wanted the old Camp Swampy gang back, but the idea had enough potential to be spun off as its own strip, co-created by Dik Browne. That's why you'll occasionally see Beetle and Lois making appearances in each other's funnies to this day. 

Kate Bradley and Pearl Bodine…This was mentioned just once, as kind of an inside joke, since actress Bea Benaderet played both parts. She was originally up for the roll of Granny on "The Beverly Hillbillies," but they decided the peripatetic Irene Ryan was a better fit, more of a Mammy Yokum type. Bea was offered the role of Jed's cousin Pearl Bodine, Jethro's mother, making Jethro and Elly May second cousins. She played this part for one season, then left to portray Kate Bradley on "Petticoat Junction." But since the 2 shows, and "Green Acres" for that matter, all took place in the same TV "universe," there were frequent character crossovers. In one series of episodes in 1968, Granny visits Hooterville to help look after Kate's newborn granddaughter. 

Why does Dr. Granny do this? Because Pearl can't help with the baby as she sprained her back a waltz contest, and Pearl is Granny's son-in-law's first cousin, which is close enough kin for Granny. But the $64,000 question: Why was Pearl going to do this? It's implied, but never explicitly stated, that Pearl and Kate are somehow related. Now this may be a "kin of kin" situation, because oddly enough, Jed has no idea who Kate is. In fact, a running gag is Granny trying to explain it to him. He finally gives up, saying: "This is the most confused I ever been without Jethro in the house!"

Jerry Lee Lewis and his wife…OK, third wife. This caused quite a stir in 1957, he 22 years old, she just 13, and relatives to boot…altho this was unremarkable where they grew up in eastern Louisiana, and completely legal. Many different relationships are mentioned, but I'm here to tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that they were first cousins once removed. Myra Gale Brown was the daughter of J.W. Brown, whose band Jerry Lee joined and eventually took over. Since J.W.'s mother and Jerry Lee's father were siblings, they were first cousins. Myra Gale is one down from that so it's first cousins once removed.

You might also hear that Jerry Lee Lewis, Mickey Gilley, and Jimmy Swaggart were "cousins," and in a roundabout way they were, altho their mothers were not sisters, as the 3 different surnames might suggest. Jerry Lee's father, Mickey's mother, and Jimmy's paternal grandmother were siblings, making Jerry Lee and Mickey first cousins, and both of them first cousins to Jimmy's father "Son" Swaggart. But also, Jerry Lee's mother and Jimmy's mother were sisters, making them first cousins on that side, while first cousins once removed on the other side. Honestly. Jerry Lee's dad Elmo had 10 siblings, you see.

Monsignor Berube and me…As are many Baby Boomers these days, I've been investigating my family tree, and my mother is a Berube. According to L'Association des Familles Berube, all in North America are descended from Damien Berube, a stone mason who arrived in Quebec from Normandy in 1671. Many North Country residents fondly recall the late Fr. Louis D. Berube. He was born in Belleville, Nova Scotia, raised in Lynn, Massachusetts, and served the Diocese of Ogdensburg until his death in 1999. Turns out he was my mother's 6th cousin, making him my 6th cousin once removed. Our lines diverged early on…he's descended from Damien's son Pierre, while I'm a 6th great grandchild of Damien's other son Mathurin. 

  

A note from last month…While my baseball bar bet of a batter seeing 15 balls and strikes with just one plate appearance was correct as far as it goes, I have since realized, to my everlasting chagrin, that it didn't go far enough! The batter could come to the plate one more time, work the count full, then have the game end when a baserunner is caught stealing or picked off…for a grand total of 20 balls and strikes on just one at bat. Thanx to Jordan Walden and Curtis Granderson for showing me the light! 

And once again, you can read older "Stolf's Oldies" columns at travelingcyst.blogspot.com. I post the previous month's when the current month's hits the stands. My daily blog at stolf.wordpress.com is now over a year old with no sign of letup. Woof! Check deepfriedhoodsiecups.wordpress.com, which is also daily, and on Sundays devoted to "Genealogy for Baby Boomers."  Not to mention my podcasts: stolfpod.podbean.com and thewholething.podbean.com. Hey, if I don't toot my own horn, who else will? Plus, that would be slightly unsanitary. Till next month, keep on chooglin'…and rock on!

You Might Be Old School If...

 you might be Old School if...

...you take your hat off when you sit down to eat...(now THERE'S a generational divide!)

...you remember when a foreign car actually came from a foreign country.

...when it's reported that something is "turning into a circus," you think to yourself: Cool, I like circuses. 

...you were around when televisions were a fire hazard...all those hot tubes, you know.

...same thing with copy-machines. I remember the one in the library where I grew up had a fire extinguisher attached to the side.

...you watch the Three Stooges today and they're funnier than you remember. (Guess you just grew into them.)

...you recall what we did before energy drinks...we ate a candy bar...because in a way that seems hardly possible today, candy could be good for you.

...you know that "free" means you positively 100% don't have to pay anything for ANYTHING!...for example, 4th Coast Entertainment is FREE!

...you also know that saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes doesn't commit you to any particular religious belief or bind you to a specific sectarian orthodoxy, so you say it, to be polite.

...ditto "Merry Christmas."

...and speaking of Christmas, you know all the words to "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie."

...and while we're at it, you can sing "Don we now our gay apparel" without sniggering.

...you think today's sitcoms are as funny as a crutch.

...oddly enough, you miss the days when you could cut your foot by stepping on a pull-tab. (I mean, there was something so satisfying when that tab snapped off...it was almost worth the risk of tetanus.)

...you always wondered if there was a connection between "notary public" and "notary sojac."

...you finally find what you're looking for around the house, and you put it back in the first place you looked, on the assumption that the next time, that'll still be the first place you look.

...likewise, you never run out of anything, because you always have a backup, and replace the backup.

...and furthermore, you pick a coin up off the street even if it's just a penny, because what the heck, money's money.

...of all the different versions, you like the original "Star Trek" best of all. (And if you do, check out stolfpod.podbean.com #20)

...you acknowledge that an Egg McMuffin, as good as it is, is just a poor man's Eggs Benedict.

...you ever said to a customs agent or border guard: "But you know me!"

...or you ARE a customs agent or border guard, and ever said to yourself: "But I know him!"

...you let sleeping dogs lie, and expect them to return the favor.

...you believe that the only foods that aren't good for you are inedible to start with, so what's the problem?

...you miss fiddling with the vertical hold.

...you can still make "Junior Birdman" goggles.

...you hope that when you get senile, the last thing you forget is how to read a box score.

...when Ethel Mertz talks about how Fred "makes love," you don't freak out, because you know she means it in the old sense of talking lovey-dovey mush to each other...also known as billing and cooing, remember?

...your motto is: Measure twice, cut once, beat into place.

...your first key-ring was one of those chains with little metal balls, and a clasp on one end that the ball on the other end snapped into.

...you understand why people who are always late are always in a better mood than the people who have to wait for them.

Ogden Nash was Old School: "A bit of talcum / is always walcum."

Erma Bombeck was Old School: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

Casey Stengal was Old School: "Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa."

Woody Allen was Old School: "I've been seeing my analyst for 15 years. I'm giving him one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes."

Fanny Brice was Old School: "Having a baby like pushing a piano through a transom." (BTW, a transom was to create cross-ventilation before there was air-conditioning...)

Fred Allen was Old School when he described the advertising firm of Batten, Barton, Durstine & Osborne: "It sounds like steamer trunk falling down a flight of stairs.”

Ann Landers was Old School: "The best things in life aren't things."

Phyllis Diller was Old School: "I tell the kids, no running in the house, unless you're on your way OUT!"

Your Mom was Old School: "There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who like cats, and those who don't, for example: Hitler."

Your Dad was Old School: "In this house, I'm the boss, and what the boss says, goes!"...and you asked why?...“Because I'm the boss and I said so!"

You're definitely Old School if you recognize the above circular argument as a perfect example of "begging the question"...and you wince every time someone says "that begs the question..." when what they mean is "that raises the question..."

And finally, you just might be Old School if you understand that the days are long, but the years are short. So the next time you get the chance...no, better yet, make the time for it...and rock on!

Son of You Might Be a Baby Boomer...

son of you might be a baby boomer if…

...you've experienced one of the 3 stages of leaving your fly open...(1) you do and you catch it...(2) you do and you don't catch it...(3) you don't particularly care one way or the other....or you've reached one of the 4 levels of getting on in years: (1) cops are younger than you...(2) your doctor is younger than you...(3) the President is younger than you...(4) the Pope is younger than you.

...you once bought a cheapo madras sports jacket and the darn thing just wouldn’t bleed.

...you never ate at IHOP because your Mother was opposed o the whole concept: "You want pancakes?...I'll make you pancakes..."

...you once upon a time thought Truman Capote just talked funny, that's all.

...you remember the Great Pen Escalation...when 3-color pens were rendered obsolete by 4-color pens...they added green. (And they had pens that looked like filter cigarettes, right? You can still sometimes find old ones on EBay...)

...and speaking of smokes, you remember when a carton of cigarettes made a perfectly appropriate Christmas gift.

...and speaking of Christmas, your family waited till Christmas Eve to put up the tree and nobody reported your parents to Child Protective Services.

...you remember when a total eclipse was a big deal...(overprotective parents warned: don't get too close!)

...you remember when the proper response to "thank you" was "you're welcome", not "no problem"...(cuz, like, y'know, what if it had been a problem?...)

...one of your friends says "When I was in college, I experimented with sex" and you think: "Oh yeah? Who was your lab partner?"

...or they confess: "I used sex"...and you wonder: "To do what? Unstick the lid of a pickle jar?"

...you misplaced your Knit-Wit Doodle-Loom years ago...(don't fret...they still make 'em!)

..."stay out of the draft" was a pun...and a deadly serious one at that.

...you go back to a time when, if you weren't paying attention watching TV, you could miss the commercials....('60s shows had 6-8 minutes of ads per hour...today, it's 15-20 minutes.)

...this joke makes sense: "She: Let's get married and not tell anyone...He: What if we have a baby?...She: Oh, we'll tell the baby..."

...growing up, your family communicated by posting Dear Abby columns on the fridge.

...you once owned a pair of pajamas in a print that looked like newspapers.

...and one night you were so bored you tried reading them...("Sleepy Time Gazette"...uh-huh...)

...you take off your glasses to see something.

...looking back on it, you realize that Mr. Spock on "Star Trek" was a complete rip-off of Mingo on "Daniel Boone", only Mingo was nicer.

...you thought you were cool because you could say "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" backwards...(know what?...you were...I know I was...)

...today's cars all look like somebody took a giant meat cleaver and chopped the trunk off.

...on "Quincy", you didn't feel the least bit cheated when they didn't actually show the dead bodies.

...you can't imagine Apollo 13 as: "Houston, we have issues..."

...you consider "Gilligan's Island" to be the original reality series.

...it doesn't seem that long ago that not one person in 50 could name whose picture was on a $50 bill...(not only that, some businesses refused to accept them!)

...you remember when Germans manufactured the best veeblefetsers...ours was a Gazachstahagan, as I recall...

...you had a weird neighbor with a pencil-thin mustache who would always mow his lawn on Sunday morning wearing a bath-robe and black socks.

...you liked reading the plot summaries in the old TV Guide, like: "Scientists think Flipper swallowed a rare fish and they want to dissect him." (So help me, I'm not making this one up...)

...you were once deeply concerned about what was happening in Brenda Starr's life.

...you remember when copy-machines used to actually suck in your original document, and every once in a great while, didn't spit it back out.

...you remember when liking show-tunes had nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

....because sexual orientation had solely to do with what color your bike was.

...your sister got an aqua-colored princess phone for her room, and she tried to take pictures with it...talk about being ahead of your time!

...the universe was once in perfect balance: baseball cards cost a penny apiece.

...you miss whitewall tires, Colorforms, sonic booms, wood paneling, "Concentration", slot-cars, the Green Hornet, the Green Lantern, toaster pizzas, Rootie Kazootie, "The Secret Storm", "The Edge of Night", Sir Bagby, pull-tabs that came off, yo-yos that lit up, granny glasses, Peter Potomas, Tressy & her little sister Cricket, Tussy, Mr. Novak, Mr. Machine, double features, the clink of milk bottles, U Tant, Moms Mabley, Lefty Frizzell, Babe Parilli, bolo boards, "Sea Hunt", the Teaberry Shuffle, Four Jacks and a Jill, a crayon called "flesh", the California Golden Seals, "mock apple pie" made with Ritz crackers...

...and getting 9 LPs for a penny, if you agreed to buy just 3 more LPs at regular Club prices over the next 2 years...well, till next time, you're not getting older, you're getting smellier...so rock on!... 

You Might Be a Baby Boomer If...

YOU MIGHT BE A BABY BOOMER IF.....

....you paid more for your last car than your first house.

....you wonder how that comic book company ended up making computers. (Sorry, it's a different Dell!)

....you say "a couple of years ago", and it turns out it was 15 years. (Or maybe even 20...)

....you remember Formosa. (Kids, it's now called Taiwan.)

....you didn't have the benefit of Viagra; the best you could do was Vitalis.

....you remember why the sides of double albums were numbered 1-4 and 2-3, instead of 1-2 and 3-4. (Forgot? It was so they'd play in the right order when stacked on the spindle of an automatic play record-player.)

....you think "pre-paid" means you don't have to pay for it, because it's already been paid for. Duh. (And while we're on the subject, the next time they offer something "on demand", call 'em up and demand you get it for free. Isn't that what "demand" means?)

....you remember when Six Flags meant over Texas, not over everywhere

.

....and there was only one variety of Hershey's Kiss (instead of 497.)

....and carob was the next big thing, replacing chocolate. 

....and you once accidentally called your mother "man". (Ooops, sorry, man....I mean....)

....you know the difference between Peanuts Hucko and Peanuts Lowrey.

....you find it a sobering thought that John Lennon's son is a has-been

.

....you remember where you were when postage when from 4 to 5 cents. 

....you hear "Kinko's" and all you can think of is a perverted clown

.

....deep down  in your heart of hearts you know the ground CAN cause a fumble. That's the whole point: you're on the ground and you don't have the ball. You failed to DOWN the ball! El pelota libre! (And you throw something at the TV when someone scores one of those phony "nick the pylon" touchdowns.)

....you look at those before-and-after weight-loss ads, and the "before" appeals to you more than the "after."

....you remember when changing the channel was good exercise.

....you collected one or more of the following: match-book covers, milk-bottle caps, Christmas seals, troll dolls, miniature metal license plates, wire puzzles, political buttons, swizzle sticks, valentine cards, elongated pennies, or gum wrappers (which you then wove into gum wrapper chains, remember?)

....you realize that when they say "infra-structure", they mean "public utilities."

....the only time you were allowed to eat supper in the living room was when "The Wizard of Oz" was on.

....the only time you saw a golden retriever was on your Dad's "Field and Stream" calendar.

....there was a time when everyone you knew owned a frisbee.

....you ever drew on the entire Etch-a-Sketch screen to seen the mechanism underneath.

....you remember when you could smoke in your hospital bed. (I did it...still can't believe it.)

...you "ruined" your bicycle by retrofitting it with high-rise handle-bars and a banana seat. ("Ruin" was the word your parents used.)

....you go back to the days when the only man who wore an earring was Mr. Clean.

....you miss Fizzies, greenie caps, Quisp & Quake, space-wheels macaroni, Ayds diet candy, bubble pipes, suicide Coke, color-by-number, Corn Diggers, butterfly sleepers, Cocoa Marsh, Hamilton's Invaders, space food sticks, slot-cars, Odo-Ro-no, Flav-R straws, oleomargarine, Wink grapefruit soda, Beach-Nut Hot Shot gum, wiggle pictures, Sugar Chex, Testor's Pla enamel, the Teaberry Shuffle, and "What? No Bosco?"

....some or most of the following ring a bell (waaaaay off in the distance): David Suskind, Nani Darnell, Arnold Zenker, Fay Spain, Spain Musgrove, Jinx Falkenberg, Sir Monty Rock III, Snooky Lanson, Marlin Perkins, Gayla Peevey, Bash Kinnett, London Lee, Christine Jorgensen, Jon Gnagy, Penelope Tree, Pete Best, Freckles Brown,   Wyomia Tyus, Billie Sol Estes, Winky Dink, Irish McCalla, Sylva Koscina, Gabriel Heater, Christian Herter, Suzy Knickerbocker, Ersel Hickey, Cookie Gilchrist, Skeeter Davis, Duke Carmel, Mamie Van Doren, Monique Van Vooren, Big Daddy Roth, Little Iodine, Elmer Sneezeweed, Hector Heathcote, and Clyde Crashcup, not to mention Biggy Rat and Itchy Brother.

And, in the final analysis, you are very likely a Baby Boomer if you understand, as I do, that if they'd had genetic counseling back in 1950, you wouldn't be here. Till next time, rock on, geezer!