You Might Be Old School If...

 you might be Old School if...

...you take your hat off when you sit down to eat...(now THERE'S a generational divide!)

...you remember when a foreign car actually came from a foreign country.

...when it's reported that something is "turning into a circus," you think to yourself: Cool, I like circuses. 

...you were around when televisions were a fire hazard...all those hot tubes, you know.

...same thing with copy-machines. I remember the one in the library where I grew up had a fire extinguisher attached to the side.

...you watch the Three Stooges today and they're funnier than you remember. (Guess you just grew into them.)

...you recall what we did before energy drinks...we ate a candy bar...because in a way that seems hardly possible today, candy could be good for you.

...you know that "free" means you positively 100% don't have to pay anything for ANYTHING!...for example, 4th Coast Entertainment is FREE!

...you also know that saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes doesn't commit you to any particular religious belief or bind you to a specific sectarian orthodoxy, so you say it, to be polite.

...ditto "Merry Christmas."

...and speaking of Christmas, you know all the words to "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie."

...and while we're at it, you can sing "Don we now our gay apparel" without sniggering.

...you think today's sitcoms are as funny as a crutch.

...oddly enough, you miss the days when you could cut your foot by stepping on a pull-tab. (I mean, there was something so satisfying when that tab snapped off...it was almost worth the risk of tetanus.)

...you always wondered if there was a connection between "notary public" and "notary sojac."

...you finally find what you're looking for around the house, and you put it back in the first place you looked, on the assumption that the next time, that'll still be the first place you look.

...likewise, you never run out of anything, because you always have a backup, and replace the backup.

...and furthermore, you pick a coin up off the street even if it's just a penny, because what the heck, money's money.

...of all the different versions, you like the original "Star Trek" best of all. (And if you do, check out stolfpod.podbean.com #20)

...you acknowledge that an Egg McMuffin, as good as it is, is just a poor man's Eggs Benedict.

...you ever said to a customs agent or border guard: "But you know me!"

...or you ARE a customs agent or border guard, and ever said to yourself: "But I know him!"

...you let sleeping dogs lie, and expect them to return the favor.

...you believe that the only foods that aren't good for you are inedible to start with, so what's the problem?

...you miss fiddling with the vertical hold.

...you can still make "Junior Birdman" goggles.

...you hope that when you get senile, the last thing you forget is how to read a box score.

...when Ethel Mertz talks about how Fred "makes love," you don't freak out, because you know she means it in the old sense of talking lovey-dovey mush to each other...also known as billing and cooing, remember?

...your motto is: Measure twice, cut once, beat into place.

...your first key-ring was one of those chains with little metal balls, and a clasp on one end that the ball on the other end snapped into.

...you understand why people who are always late are always in a better mood than the people who have to wait for them.

Ogden Nash was Old School: "A bit of talcum / is always walcum."

Erma Bombeck was Old School: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

Casey Stengal was Old School: "Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa."

Woody Allen was Old School: "I've been seeing my analyst for 15 years. I'm giving him one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes."

Fanny Brice was Old School: "Having a baby like pushing a piano through a transom." (BTW, a transom was to create cross-ventilation before there was air-conditioning...)

Fred Allen was Old School when he described the advertising firm of Batten, Barton, Durstine & Osborne: "It sounds like steamer trunk falling down a flight of stairs.”

Ann Landers was Old School: "The best things in life aren't things."

Phyllis Diller was Old School: "I tell the kids, no running in the house, unless you're on your way OUT!"

Your Mom was Old School: "There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who like cats, and those who don't, for example: Hitler."

Your Dad was Old School: "In this house, I'm the boss, and what the boss says, goes!"...and you asked why?...“Because I'm the boss and I said so!"

You're definitely Old School if you recognize the above circular argument as a perfect example of "begging the question"...and you wince every time someone says "that begs the question..." when what they mean is "that raises the question..."

And finally, you just might be Old School if you understand that the days are long, but the years are short. So the next time you get the chance...no, better yet, make the time for it...and rock on!