You Might Be...Part 4 (4CE reprint Oct 2011)

You Might Really Be a Baby Boomer If…

Three past columns that received a lot of nice comments were "You Might Be a Baby Boomer If…," "Son of…," and "You Might Be Old School If…" If you'd like to revisit them (can you be nostalgic for nostalgia?), I've posted them on my 4CE reprint blog, travelingcyst.blogspot.com. Here's another batch, fresh from the EZ-Bake memory oven…I replaced the light bulb.

You Might Really Be a Baby Boomer If…

…there's a tune stuck in your head (a cerebro-musical inversion) and it's just as well, since it's one the oldies stations won't play anymore.

…you always called that cigarette "Paul Maul"…not  "Pell Mell"…and to this day it's never bothered you.

….to you,"Go suck an egg!" and "Your mother wears army boots!" are still perfectly serviceable insults.

…you always planned that if you ever got invited to dinner at the White House, you'd be sure to steal an ashtray…d'oh!

…your grandmother had a clock with roman numerals and you figured that was because she really didn't care to figure out what time it was…

…it wasn't called recycling, it was a paper drive.

…the safety officer from the local police department taught you to ride your bikes "Single file, Indian style."

…you see a ballplayer on TV and think: "Oh, is he still playing?"…and it turns out to be his son. That happened to me with Steve and Nick Swisher, among others.

…but all things considered, you'd take Bobby Bonds over Barry any day of the week.

…you wonder whatever happened to S&H Green Stamps. Actually, they're now virtual, on the net as Greenpoints. But waddya do, lick the screen? Then paste it where?

…you also wonder whatever happened to tramps, hobos, and bums…now you only see them on Hallowe'en night, right?

…when you go cross-county skiing, you prefer a country that's really narrow...

…you remember when "special teams" were called the "suicide squad." When did it change? Well, a cover story in LIFE magazine dated December 3, 1971 used both terms, although it did say "Suicide Squad" on the cover. 

…and the pass rush wasn't a "blitz" but a "red dog"…woof woof.

…you miss having to wonder who's calling on the phone.

…you don't mind "fingers" when someone is passing or serving food. Those plastic gloves were invented for just one thing…and it's at the other end, darn it!

….you remember Thor before he had a beard. A what? Yeah, buy a comic book and see for yourself…if you've got a spare $3.99 lying around…or is it up to $4.99 now?

…but to you, they were always funny books, not comic cooks. See, you started with Woody Woodpecker and Sugar and Spike…then graduated to Batman and the Green Lantern, but they were still funny books, because that's what they were. 

….you and your spouse only "do it" on your birthday anymore…and you wish you still celebrated them!

…you understood that when you were dating a guy in uniform, that was it…that's as good as it got, there was nowhere else to go. Although my sister dated one, but it didn't work out…she was supposed to call him "sir." Gosh, and I remember this girl, I had such a crush on her…she was 2 years ahead of me in school. Now that I think about it, she was 2 years ahead of me in everything. Turns out, Boy Scouts didn't count as a uniform.

…you certainly can believe its not butter...you just can't believe how much it costs!

…you miss reading a story every other day in the newspaper about somebody seeing a flying saucer.

….you always liked it when your grandfather would say: "I bet your grandmother she wouldn't marry me…she called my bet and raised me five!"

…you remember when the Parade Magazine that came with the Sunday paper was big enough to wrap a baby in...not that you would, I'm just sayin'.

…but winning $5 in a newspaper coloring contest made you feel like Scrooge McDuck, only more artistic.

…you thought you'd never get over seeing Joltin' Joe DiMaggio in a green-and-gold Oakland A's uniform…he was a coach in 1968 and 1969. But you did.

…you never could see what was wrong with prayer in schools…after all, that's how you got through!

…you miss the days when TV and radio reporters, of either gender, didn't sound like Valley Girls.

…when the 1964 1/2 Mustang came out, you asked your math teacher if they could actually do that? I mean, could it really be half a year?

…and you can't believe that today supermarkets will sell you half a pie. You see that and think: Who wants a pie that somebody ate the other half of?

….you're a girl…and you knew what "It's snowing down south" meant.

…or you're a boy…and what it meant when someone said: "Do you have a license to sell hotdogs?"

…you remember when the ballplayers who wore batting gloves were weird, not the other way around...and an outfielder was called a "ballhawk."

….your favorite toy made sparks!

…you think of your parents as The Generation That Used Mothballs On Everything.

…you remember when there was no such thing as pre-screening…you either fixed the back door or you didn't...

…you never ordered the salad instead of the potato, and never regretted it.

…you remember graduating from green plastic army-men to Battlewagon, Tiger Joe, and Johnny Seven -- One Man Army.

…you know the difference between Capt. Windy Scuttlebutt, Capt. Horatio Huffenpuff and H. R. Pufnstuf.

…but you liked to root for the bad guys…Oil Can Harry, Snidely Whiplash, Crabby Appleton & Isotope Feeney, Poison Zoomack, Simon Bar Sinister & Riff Raff, Badlands Meenie & J. Skulking Bushwhack, Dishonest John, Mr. Bluster…and Savoir Faire is Everywhere!

…and speaking of which, you always wondered where Cecil's legs went to…

But seriously, you qualify as a bona fide blue-ribbon Grade "A" Baby Boomer if…you used to think so, but now you know so. More of this kind of stuff daily at Deepfriedhoodsiecups.wordpress.com and Stolf.wordpress.com. Plus old radio & TV commercials at Stolfpod.podbean.com. Till next month, don't give up the baby, Faith…and rock on!