4ce dec stolf's oldies
Merry Weirdmas!
There are literally thousands of offbeat Christmas records…"novelty records" they're collectively called. I'd like to recommend to you some of my favorites. If you're interested, all can be heard, as of this writing anyway, on YouTube…except for one. And we might as well start with it…
"Santa Fly"…by Martin Mull 1973 When you consider all the rarities, oddities, and atrocities you'll find on YouTube, you wonder how this one slipped through the cracks. Who else but Martin Mull would think of combining Santa Claus with the churning funk Blacksploitation soul sound of "Super Fly." But then, that was his job. Great opening: department store Santa asks the kid what he wants for Christmas, and he says "I wanna get DOWN!"
"I'm Gonna Lasso Santa Claus"…by Brenda Lee 1956 There are many sub-genres of what I call anti-Christmas records…I Hate Santa, Santa Hates Me, Christmas Bums Me Out, etc. The most intense of these is the Violence Against Santa category. Surprisingly popular…but then as Gramps would say, if everybody liked the same thing, they'd all be after your Grandmother…no kidding. Included in this group are a good dozen different songs about Santa getting stuck in the chimney…usually he's rescued in time for Christmas, but, horrifically enough, not always. Now in this one, Little Miss Dynamite does explain why she plans to assault St. Nick, and it's all in a good cause, I guess. It's one of her earliest recordings, she's only 11, but the talent and energy that would propel her to stardom is definitely on display. Compare with...
"Are My Ears on Straight?"…by Gayla Peevey 1953 This tyke from Oklahoma was very popular as a kid singer, especially Christmas records and a few others, including some for Easter. As she grew older, she tried to translate that into an adult career, with no success…although her "Robot Man" from 1960, recorded under the name of Jamie Horton, is a goofy treat. Her biggest Yuletide triumph is "I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas." I always wondered if it was legit…or just a Dr. Demento-type hoax, as the line "…and give him [the hippo] his massage" sounded a bit, um, odd to me. But it was for real, and was even used by an Oklahoma City zoo in a campaign to raise money to buy one. "Are My Ears on Straight?" is from the point of view of a doll that was broken, taken to the repair shop, and hopes she'll be fixed in time for Christmas morning. A charming little record, although who in the world would even think of such an idea for a song? Luckily, someone.
"I Fell Out of a Christmas Tree"…by Little Rita Faye 1953 Here's another moppet, with nowhere near the panache nor pipes of Gayla. No, she wasn't climbing the tree…that's how she was born on December 25th: "I slipped off the highest limb and tumbled to the floor / No one was there to pick me up, my folks were all next door." Stork? Cabbage patch? Who needs 'em? The lyrics are as quirky as the concept…and why it never become a Christmastime standard is a mystery to me…ho ho ho. As Rita Faye, no longer "Little," she tried to crack the teen market in 1962 with "Salt and Pepper," a "Mashed Potatoes" answer song…what, no paprika?
"Can You Fix the Way I Talk For Christmas"…by Joe Pesci 1968 Then we have grown-ups pretending to be kids. Yes, this is THE Joe Pesci, calling himself Joe Ritchie, from the LP "Little Joe Sure Can Sing"…well, no he can't, actually. Once he was famous, it was re-released as a 45 under his real name. The label also credits Frank Vincent…he's the voice of Santa...Joe's lifelong acting buddy, who played Billy "Shine Box" Batts in "Goodfellas," and Phil Leotardo on "The Sopranos." The song is a take on Porky Pig, about a little boy who wants to stop stuttering for Christmas…big surprise, at the end of the song he does. Even in these politically correct days, you can still get away with that if it's done with good-natured humor…Sylvester Swine's hilarious "Blue Christmas" for example. But Joe's routine here is mechanical and listless…and extremely unfunny. Still, a "before they were stars" classic if ever there was one.
"Santa Got Lost in Texas"…by Michael Landon 1963 Speaking of Little Joes…from what seemed like a good idea at the time, a Christmas LP by the cast of "Bonanza." It's a jolly record, done in a rousing sing-along style. Jeff Carson recorded a version in 1995, but the original is the best. And yes, Landon was Jewish, born Eugene Orowitz on Hallowe'en, 1936…but Joseph Cartwright wasn't, get it? Mazel tov, pard'ner.
"Donde Este Santa Claus?" by Augie Rios 1958 Another non-PC selection, trending towards the Speedy Gonzales/Frito Bandidto archetype, as was typical of the Fifties. But it's just another cute little kid singing, it's in English except for the question in the title, and you know how on "Santa Claus and His Old Lady" Cheech starts out with:: "Ma-ma-masita, donde este Santa Cleese…da vato wit da bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his feet…"? He's just trying to do a version of this song…see, you learned something. And before you ask, "vato" is Mexican slang for "man" or "dude," man.
"Outer Space Santa" by Lawrence Welk 1958 The decade of 1950s was the Golden Age of Christmas novelty records, especially the 3 year span from 1957-59…after all, it gave us the Chipmunks! Especially popular were songs about satellites, sputniks, flying saucers, and men from Mars. Tunes like "Santa Meets the Purple People Eater" by Sheb Wooley, "They Shined Up Rudolph's Nose" by Johnny Horton, "Capt. Santa Claus and his Reindeer Space Patrol" by Bobby Helms, and tons more. This one features the Lennon Sisters, delightfully low-tech retro sound effects, and incongruent lyrics like: "Outer Space Santa, shining up the stars / Outer Space helpers, packing them in jars." Jars of stars? Huh? Hey, don't worry about it…it's spacey!
"Father Christmas" by the Kinks 1977…Here's another Violence Against Santa number…one of the few hard-rock Christmas songs that really works. Ruffians are attacking Santa for giving toys to "all the little rich boys." Is there nothing Ray Davies couldn't do…apparently not.
"Little Mary Christmas" by Roger Christian 1962…Don't get me wrong…the Weirdmas songs I've mentioned are quite entertaining and I enjoy listening to them…but this final one is an exception. You have to hear it once to believe it, but then never again. Roger Christian was a car-crazy Los Angeles DJ who wrote lyrics for the Beach Boys, Jan & Dean, many others. But this is a rather creepy Yuletide misstep. See, Little Mary is a physically challenged orphan, and Roger's dour recitation sets us up for an even bigger tragedy, but it's all a narrative trick, and we get a happy ending after all..but who needs it? It's smarmy and unsettling all at the same time, and Roger's tone of voice is almost menacing. This used to be hard to find, but it's now on a CD Christmas collection assembled by John Waters, of "Hairspray" fame.
Have a great Christmas…and as I like to remind folks this time of year…as well as at Easter and Thanksgiving too…don't forget to eat something! Keep your strength up…so you can rock on!
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