son of you might be a baby boomer if…
...you've experienced one of the 3 stages of leaving your fly open...(1) you do and you catch it...(2) you do and you don't catch it...(3) you don't particularly care one way or the other....or you've reached one of the 4 levels of getting on in years: (1) cops are younger than you...(2) your doctor is younger than you...(3) the President is younger than you...(4) the Pope is younger than you.
...you once bought a cheapo madras sports jacket and the darn thing just wouldn’t bleed.
...you never ate at IHOP because your Mother was opposed o the whole concept: "You want pancakes?...I'll make you pancakes..."
...you once upon a time thought Truman Capote just talked funny, that's all.
...you remember the Great Pen Escalation...when 3-color pens were rendered obsolete by 4-color pens...they added green. (And they had pens that looked like filter cigarettes, right? You can still sometimes find old ones on EBay...)
...and speaking of smokes, you remember when a carton of cigarettes made a perfectly appropriate Christmas gift.
...and speaking of Christmas, your family waited till Christmas Eve to put up the tree and nobody reported your parents to Child Protective Services.
...you remember when a total eclipse was a big deal...(overprotective parents warned: don't get too close!)
...you remember when the proper response to "thank you" was "you're welcome", not "no problem"...(cuz, like, y'know, what if it had been a problem?...)
...one of your friends says "When I was in college, I experimented with sex" and you think: "Oh yeah? Who was your lab partner?"
...or they confess: "I used sex"...and you wonder: "To do what? Unstick the lid of a pickle jar?"
...you misplaced your Knit-Wit Doodle-Loom years ago...(don't fret...they still make 'em!)
..."stay out of the draft" was a pun...and a deadly serious one at that.
...you go back to a time when, if you weren't paying attention watching TV, you could miss the commercials....('60s shows had 6-8 minutes of ads per hour...today, it's 15-20 minutes.)
...this joke makes sense: "She: Let's get married and not tell anyone...He: What if we have a baby?...She: Oh, we'll tell the baby..."
...growing up, your family communicated by posting Dear Abby columns on the fridge.
...you once owned a pair of pajamas in a print that looked like newspapers.
...and one night you were so bored you tried reading them...("Sleepy Time Gazette"...uh-huh...)
...you take off your glasses to see something.
...looking back on it, you realize that Mr. Spock on "Star Trek" was a complete rip-off of Mingo on "Daniel Boone", only Mingo was nicer.
...you thought you were cool because you could say "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" backwards...(know what?...you were...I know I was...)
...today's cars all look like somebody took a giant meat cleaver and chopped the trunk off.
...on "Quincy", you didn't feel the least bit cheated when they didn't actually show the dead bodies.
...you can't imagine Apollo 13 as: "Houston, we have issues..."
...you consider "Gilligan's Island" to be the original reality series.
...it doesn't seem that long ago that not one person in 50 could name whose picture was on a $50 bill...(not only that, some businesses refused to accept them!)
...you remember when Germans manufactured the best veeblefetsers...ours was a Gazachstahagan, as I recall...
...you had a weird neighbor with a pencil-thin mustache who would always mow his lawn on Sunday morning wearing a bath-robe and black socks.
...you liked reading the plot summaries in the old TV Guide, like: "Scientists think Flipper swallowed a rare fish and they want to dissect him." (So help me, I'm not making this one up...)
...you were once deeply concerned about what was happening in Brenda Starr's life.
...you remember when copy-machines used to actually suck in your original document, and every once in a great while, didn't spit it back out.
...you remember when liking show-tunes had nothing to do with your sexual orientation.
....because sexual orientation had solely to do with what color your bike was.
...your sister got an aqua-colored princess phone for her room, and she tried to take pictures with it...talk about being ahead of your time!
...the universe was once in perfect balance: baseball cards cost a penny apiece.
...you miss whitewall tires, Colorforms, sonic booms, wood paneling, "Concentration", slot-cars, the Green Hornet, the Green Lantern, toaster pizzas, Rootie Kazootie, "The Secret Storm", "The Edge of Night", Sir Bagby, pull-tabs that came off, yo-yos that lit up, granny glasses, Peter Potomas, Tressy & her little sister Cricket, Tussy, Mr. Novak, Mr. Machine, double features, the clink of milk bottles, U Tant, Moms Mabley, Lefty Frizzell, Babe Parilli, bolo boards, "Sea Hunt", the Teaberry Shuffle, Four Jacks and a Jill, a crayon called "flesh", the California Golden Seals, "mock apple pie" made with Ritz crackers...
...and getting 9 LPs for a penny, if you agreed to buy just 3 more LPs at regular Club prices over the next 2 years...well, till next time, you're not getting older, you're getting smellier...so rock on!...
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