The 60's...What a Joke! (4CE reprint March 2012)

The 1960s…What a Joke!

This month's column is dedicated to the proposition that the 1960s…were a joke. Specifically, Elephant Jokes and Tom Swifties.

How can you tell if there's an elephant behind you? You smell the peanuts on his breath. How can you tell an elephant's been in your refrigerator? You see his footprints in the butter. And if the reaction of adults was "That's dumb" or "That doesn't make any sense," well, that suited us kids just fine, didn't it?

The Elephant Joke craze appeared about the same time as slot-car racing and bikes with high-rise handle-bars and banana seats. According to a scholarly article (seriously!) in a folklore journal in 1967, Elephant Jokes first appeared in Texas in the summer of 1962. They spread to California by early 1963, and by that summer had gone national. LIFE magazine first mentioned them in October 1963, and by the summer of 1964, this joke was sent in to Boys' Life: Why did the elephant wear sunglasses? He didn't want to be recognized with all the Elephant Jokes around.

How did the elephant get in the oak tree? He sat on an acorn and waited 20 years. Why did the elephant paint its toenails red? To hide in a strawberry patch. How do you fit 4 elephants in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 2 in the back. How do you fit 5 elephants in a Volkswagen? Put one in the glove compartment. What game do elephants play in a Volkswagen? Squash!

Elephant jokes began with the absurdist premise that you didn't know how big an elephant was, and quickly expanded from there. They were sort of anti-riddles, eschewing the clever puzzles of old-fashioned riddles, and the tortured puns of more modern ones, although play-on-words were sometimes involved, like: How do you stop a charging elephant? Take away his credit card. How do you get an elephant out of a theater? You can't, it's in their blood. (OK, maybe that was a little sophisticated, but I remember getting it.)

What's gray and comes in a can? Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup. What's gray and has a trunk? A mouse going on vacation. Why are elephants wrinkled? Did you ever try to iron one? How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you shoot a red elephant? Hold its trunk till it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Many of us stocked up on them by buying "101 Elephant Jokes" at a Scholastic Books fair at school. Someone was recently asking $300 for a copy on eBay…good luck with that. How do you get down off an elephant? You don't, you get down off a duck. How do you make a dead elephant float? Ginger ale, 2 scoops of ice cream, and a dead elephant. And some parodied other riddles, like: Why did the elephant cross the road? It was the chicken's day off. Why did the elephant wear red suspenders? Because the fireman finally bought a belt. 

Eventually, other animals and other things got into the act: What's purple and swims in the ocean? Moby Grape. A group of San Francisco musicians were so tickled with that they named their rock group after it. Another good name for a group would be the Ball-Point Banana…you know, what's yellow and goes click click? What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, it just gave out a little wine…OK, so there were a few bad puns mixed in here and there.

One of my favorites was a two-parter: Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks. As with all fads, Elephant jokes soon died out, but not before clueless grown-ups got into the act and psychoanalyzed the whole deal, citing everything from racial aggression to "an ambient father figure," whatever that means. But google "Elephant Jokes" on the internet today and you'll get over 11 million hits…so I guess kids young and old still enjoy the iconoclastic buffoonery that was at the heart of it all. 

Appearing at the same time, Tom Swifties were more sophisticated, appealing to both kids and adults. TIME magazine announced their arrival in their May 31, 1963 issue, although again their origins are hazy. Perhaps an English teacher dreamed them up to enliven Vocabulary Day. Tom Swift was of course a youthful inventor in juvenile fiction, beginning in 1910 with "Tom Swift and His Motor Cycle"…and soon came "Tom Swift and His Aerial Warship," 'Tom Swift and His Photo Telephone"…we used to joke about "Tom Swift and His Electric Grandmother." 

But the series continued thru the years and new books are still published today. Baby Boomers might remember Tom Swift's Atomic Earth Blaster, Diving Seacopter, Triphibian Atomicar, Megascope Space Prober, and Ultrasonic Cycloplane. I heard they were going to do one with an his Automatomic Autosuggestive Subvibratory Superaccelerator, but ran out of space…no wait, that was from a 1944 science fiction story by Fredric Brown called the "The Yehudi Principle." Sorry 'bout that.

But to get to the point…in the opinion of some critics, series author Victor Appleton never met an adverb he didn't like, and that led to the Tom Swiftie formula: I need a pencil sharpener, said Tom bluntly. Nay, said Tom hoarsely. Is the doctor ready to see me, asked Tom patiently. Our boat is sinking, said Tom balefully. 

And the puns got worse and worse. My oar is broken, said Tom robustly. I have no recollection of the last 24 hours, said Tom lackadaisically. Is this Japan or China, asked Tom, disoriented. I'll never be a realtor, moaned Tom listlessly. I have multiple personalities, said Tom, frank and earnest. This just doesn't add up, said Tom, nonplussed.  They had to amputate at the ankles, said Tom, defeated. This is mutiny, admitted Tom bountifully. And then you lose some, said Tom winsomely. Ouch!

I manufacture tabletops, said Tom counterproductively. My EKG came out OK, said Tom wholeheartedly. Send that SOS again, said Tom remorsefully. A steamroller can't hurt me, Tom flatly denied. We're off to Scotland, said Tom clandestinely. Think about the number between 7 and 9, Tom suggested considerately. That is one ugly beast, said Tom hypocritically. 

But you didn't really need an adverb per se: There goes my hat, cried Tom off the top of his head. I will not finish in 5th place, Tom held forth. Don't add too much water, said Tom with great concentration. The average frequency of my voice is 160 Hz, said Tom in measured tones. Yeah, they could get pretty elaborate! 

Or you could do it with just the verb: Keep the fires burning, Tom bellowed. I'm dying, Tom croaked. I fixed your pipes, Tom rejoined. Save the whales, Tom spouted. The sun is rising, mourned Tom. And other folks got into the act: If we're going to Oz, let's hit the road, Auntie Em barked. Well, OK, there were a million of them…probably my favorite was inspired by those pipes Tom fixed: Your fly is open, was Tom's zippy rejoinder. 

I googled Tom Swiftie and came up with 94 thousand hits, so they still have a few fans. And then there were Shaggy Dog Stories…but that's a tail for another column. In the meantime, if you can't get Stolf and Cool Daddy the old-fashioned way, over the air…try the internet at 1340WMSA.com. Blogs daily at stolf.wordpress.com and twice a week at deepfriedhoodsiecups.wordpress.com. And hope to see you at the Ogdensburg Boys and Girls Club Expo! Till next time, rock on, said Stolf, taking it for granite.